This building on Walnut and South Ave is currently being remodeled and already looks badass.

In a shining victory for progressiveness, a new satanic church is being constructed on the corner of Walnut and South Ave in Springfield, MO. The historical building, originally constructed in 1841 was recently purchased by a liberal political group called Feminists, Genderqueers, and Muslims for Satan. The group – based out of New York City – hopes to bring affordable abortions and LGBTQ services to downtown Springfield.

Citizens familiar with Springfield’s downtown area will recognize the changes that have taken place recently. A black facade has been added, gothic windows constructed, and now murals of various world religious figures have been added to the building.


“I think Springfield is the perfect place for an awakening right now. I consult the tarot every morning before I do Yoga. They told me that this area is in need of a spiritual enema. I am really looking forward to inviting the young people of the area who are unhappy with what other churches in the area have been offering. Other churches don’t understand that kids these days don’t want Jesus. They want to be gay and worship satan. And there is nothing wrong with that.” – Raven Freelove (a trans woman and acting Satanic Priest)

The new building will include a small abortion clinic, library and museum housing artifacts and documents regarding satanism, feminism, Islam, and other liberal subjects. Among the items are Freddie Mercury’s yellow jacket, A statue of Anton LaVey, and an original VHS of To Wong Fu, plus Abraham Lincoln’s private copy of the Quar’ran to name a few.

Public reactions have been mixed.

“I don’t think its right, for them to bring these feminists and satanists into our town. There didn’t used to be gay people here, now they’re turning everyone gay. They’re going to hell for doing this and we are all going with them for allowing it. We aren’t supposed to be tempted by these men dressed as women, damn it. but here they are, making me and my hunting buddies question ourselves in evil and perverse ways. I don’t want to be turned gay. It’s of the devil.”
-Doug Smith [Springfield Resident and Churchgoer]

Opening ceremonies will feature a rooftop cremation of a freshly aborted fetus, possible through Missouri’s new cremation laws. Famous names schedule to attend feature Carson Cressler of Queer Eye fame and world renowned muslim Cat Stevens – now known as Yusef Islam.

What do you think about this new Church or it’s services? Are you excited to attend? Do you think it represents Ozark’s values?

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